Post by cheekybugger on Dec 19, 2010 10:03:13 GMT 10
THE TOP 15 *OTHER* SIGNS SANTA CLAUS IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN
15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
Assorted X-mas One-Liners
A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children
A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Tragedy begets comedy
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answered "They're Carol's."
15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
Assorted X-mas One-Liners
A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children
A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Tragedy begets comedy
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answered "They're Carol's."
Oooops.